Sunday, April 19, 2009

October 10th

Sagittarius- Fuck you, Jerry.

October 4th

Sagittarius- All right, I bluffed. You get another chance because you might have not read the horoscopes last week.

August 27th

Sagittarius- You get one more chance to see your ex-lover again, she will forgive you if you become slightly more mature.

August 15th

Sagittarius- You seem to be distancing yourself from your friends with your quote-unquote restraining orders. If you keep all your friends at a distance with the help of the police you will die alone. You will be a lonely, pathetic old man with no friends and even your dogs won’t want to hang out with you because dogs inherently understand when a man is being childish and not respecting their past relationships. Dogs at least have a soul. Unlike you.

August 9th

Sagittarius- It’s best to judge your recent actions and really examine whether or not a restraining order is totally necessary.

August 5th

Sagittarius- Look around and try to understand what others are thinking. In particular, look out your window and try to imagine how that girl outside your house feels. The brown-haired one, the one with the auburn eyes and extremely soft skin. She’s holding the stereo above her head and it is playing Goo Goo Dolls’ “Iris.” Remember when we first danced to that song?

August 2nd

Sagittarius- Severing contact with someone will permanently hurt your future.

July 7th

Sagittarius- The hospital bills are daunting, but a swift recovery is written in the stars.

July 3rd

Sagittarius- STAY IN CONTACT WITH YOUR OLD FRIENDS AND SHOW SOME MATURITY OR YOU WILL GET HIT BY A BRICK!

June 21st

Sagittarius- If your phone rings today, please stop ignoring it, the person on the other end has calmed down.

June 7th

Sagittarius- Your love life is getting stale, and that bitch is probably cheating on you.

May 25th

Sagittarius- Your new lover is not worth ignoring your old, and more attractive, one.

May 1st

Sagittarius- You may feel like a strong person today, but know that questions of the heart are never considered weak. Please call me.

April 12th

Sagittarius- Your blatant disrespect for other’s feelings will eventually come back to haunt you. Examine your past and try to understand whom you have hurt.

April 10th

Sagittarius- Breaking up with your significant other is not necessary.